Hollywood is Broken

Wow! Mila Kunis is falling. That doesn't look survivable. Do you think she dies? I bet she dies. There's like no way to live through that, right? Yeah, I bet this is the scene in the movie where she dies.

Wow! Mila Kunis is falling. That doesn’t look survivable. Do you think she dies? I bet she dies. There’s like no way to live through that, right? Yeah, I bet this is the scene in the movie where she dies.

Brent Lang over at Variety is arguing that the flop of Jupiter Ascending is a shame, because it was the rare gem of an original sci-fi epic in Hollywood’s usual shitstorm of sequels and remakes. His thinking is that the failure of the Wachowskis’ latest blockbuster means that Hollywood will point to Jupiter Ascending as evidence that original ideas just don’t fly at the box office. He laments that even though they “marketed the crap” out of the movie, audiences just wouldn’t give it a chance.

Yeah, but no.

They marketed the crap out if and showed us in the trailers exactly what a no-plot, over-baked stinker it was. Jupiter Ascending didn’t fail because audiences will only go see sequels. Jupiter Ascending failed because it was obviously awful.

It was never part of the solution to the glut of unoriginal content the studios have been spewing out lately. It was part of the problem all along.

See, the real problem isn’t the economic success of sequels. It’s Hollywood thinking. In Hollywood, they think that the only thing that sells movie tickets is name recognition–no matter how many Johnny Dep movies bomb. They didn’t make this movie because it was a good idea; they made this movie because the Wachowskis made the Matrix. The counter point to this bloated turd is Guardians of the Galaxy, but Hollywood, of course, takes the wrong lesson from that movie. They think it did well because it was Marvel. It did well because it was fun, lively, and had interesting characters.

Hollywood is stupid. If Jupiter Ascending had done well, then it would not have encouraged Hollywood to go out looking for original projects. It would have just convinced them they were right to keep letting filmmakers everybody knows make movies (M. Night Shamalayn, anyone?).

Hollywood is broken and 2015 is proof.

Allow me, just off the top of my head, to rattle off the big releases coming in 2015: Fast and Furious Something-or-Other, Terminator Geriatrics, Jurassic Park IV, Pitch Perfect 2, Ted 2, two more Marvel movies, a Fantastic Four remake that is somehow not exactly a Marvel movie, sequels to both Hunger Games wannabes Maze Runner and Divergent, Mission Impossible 5 (5, I tell you!), a Despicable Me spin-off prequel thing about the f’ing minions (yes, the little yellow guys with no frackin’ dialogue!), Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (I could not make that up people; in a million years, I could not invent something as ridiculous as that), and Star Wars VII: Dear God, Weren’t the Prequels Enough?!?

I lied. That wasn’t off the top of my head. There are so many franchises deployed for 2015 that no one could possible remember them all. It’s really a shame that they moved the Man of Steel Superman vs. Batman but also Wonder Woman, Aquaman, and Cyborg movie out of 2015. Leaving it on this year’s schedule would’ve cracked open the mantle of the earth and allowed the old ones to reclaim this depraved planet like in the end of Cabin in the Woods.

Now, I know, I know, I know. I write about franchises. I watch all this crap. I buy tickets.

You wanna say that I’m part of the problem, too.

Uh ah, nope. Bullshit. I cry, “bullshit.”

I refuse to be held responsible for their depraved decision making. It is not my fault that this industry is so dunderheaded that they respond to all the wrong cues and conduct their pitch meetings in some bizarro world divorced from all logic.

But ultimately, it will be up to us.

We must and will grow sick of this stuff. We have to stop going. We have to stop buying the Blu Rays.

Not to teach Hollywood to make original movies like Brent Lang thinks. You see, it’s too late for Hollywood. They’re already doomed. They just don’t know it yet. Great stories will be told on TV and in emerging digital media, not in movie theaters. Hollywood is too broken to live. Eventually, they will burn themselves to cinders with their idiocy.

And we’ll all be watching something else entirely.

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